Navigating Queerplatonic Relationships

Queerplatonic relationships (QPRs) are deeply committed, intense partnerships. The emotional component goes far beyond a typical friendship but defies the norms of traditional sexual and romantic relationships. QPRs can be confusing and are often misunderstood because they don’t fit neatly into society’s expectations about monogamy, sexuality, or romance. 

If you’re struggling to identify, explain, or understand a close bond you share with someone, it can help to explore what queerplatonic relationships are, how to recognize them, and the challenges you might be facing. Keep reading to learn more about connections that offer companionship, stability, and love that’s different from anything else in your life. ​

What Is a Queerplatonic Relationship?

A queerplatonic relationship may have the same emotional depth as a romantic relationship, just without the romance or sexual intimacy. Here, “queer” doesn’t necessarily refer to the different gender identities or the sexuality spectrum. It breaks from the standards of heteronormativity (the belief that being straight and identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth is “normal”) and amatonormativity (the belief that monogamy, romance, and traditional relationships are best). 

QPRs can take many forms. You might recognize some of the following examples if you’ve ever had a life-defining relationship that’s not sexual or romantic. 

Examples of queerplatonic relationships can include:

• Cohabiting best friends: You make big life decisions together and view one another as life partners without the romance or sexual intimacy.
• QPR triads or groups: You share living spaces with multiple people and support each other emotionally, physically, practically, and financially. 
• Chosen family members: You’re committed to offering lifelong support and share responsibilities like co-parenting and finances while making future plans together. 
• “Zucchinis”: A playful term within the LGBTQIA+ community. It was coined to describe relationships that go beyond friendships but aren’t sexual or romantic in nature. 
• Mutual life supporters: Even if you live separately, you are each other’s primary support—emotionally, financially, and during important life moments. 
• Long-distance QPRs: You live in different cities, states, or even countries while staying deeply committed to and invested in one another’s well-being. 
• Friends with cuddle benefits: You share a common love language of physical touch, cuddle regularly, hold hands, and sleep in the same bed without sexual attraction or deeper physical intimacy. 

How to Know If You’re in a Queerplatonic Relationship

There’s no official checklist that classifies a queerplatonic relationship, but there are some signs. If you’re wondering if your relationship qualifies as a QPR, the following exercises can help you know for sure.  

Reflecting on your emotional closeness and commitment

Emotional closeness and commitment are central to QPRs. If your emotional bond feels like it’s more than a typical platonic friendship, you might be in a queerplatonic relationship. Do you plan your future or discuss growing old together? Do you support each other through major life events and challenges? Depending on your answers, you might start to realize your closest connection and partner doesn’t “fit” usual labels. 

Identifying a desire for partnership without romance or sex

When a connection is life-defining but not sexual or romantic, you may be in a QPR. For example, you can’t imagine your life without them, but you’ve never felt a desire for romance. It’s worth noting that QPRs can be very healthy. Research shows strong, supportive relationships, even without sex, can enhance well-being and improve resilience. 

Noticing shared responsibilities or life decisions

You don’t have to be in what society deems a “traditional” relationship to be committed partners. You can still share finances, living spaces, and caregiving roles. A deep connection like this can even lead to adopting pets together, listing each other as emergency contacts, or opening joint bank accounts. These signs all indicate a deeply committed relationship that’s built on mutual respect and care, without involving sex.   

Feeling misaligned with traditional relationship labels

Relationship labels, like just friends, best friends, or roommates, might feel inadequate as you try to describe the extent of your connection. It can be difficult to explain your bond with a queerplatonic partner in a way that others understand. 

“Validating nontraditional relationships can improve emotional wellness because you are acknowledging, possibly prioritizing, deeper soul connections. Our love connections that expand our hearts are meaningful and cathartic. They can transform us into more compassionate and present versions of ourselves.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

How QPRs Challenge Traditional Relationship Models

Much of society prioritizes sexual, romantic partnerships as the “norm.” Creating an amatonormativity hierarchy like this makes nontraditional bonds feel less important or not valid. The reality, though, is that having an emotional, intimate connection with another human doesn’t have to be exclusive to romance.

Being in a QPR challenges traditional norms. You can define your relationship on your terms, rather than just following outside expectations or demands. A QPR can offer all the benefits you’d find in any meaningful relationship, including:

• Stability
• Long-term companionship
• A chosen family (something that’s particularly important for the LGBTQIA+ community or anyone without biological family support)
• Freedom to redefine boundaries
• Space for inclusivity 
• Emotional safety
• Empowerment

Navigating Communication and Boundaries in a QPR

No relationship follows a script or playbook. Communication and creating healthy relationship boundaries are just as crucial in QPRs as it is in any partnership. Together, you can decide what your relationship looks like and how you describe it, but it must work for both of you.   

To keep your relationship strong and healthy, focus on the basics—like using labels you both feel good about, talking about commitment, and agreeing on how you’ll manage external pressures. 

Establishing shared definitions and labels

Discuss how you and your partner see your relationship. Have open conversations about language that “feels right” and honors your commitment to one another. 

If “best friend” fits and is comfortable, feel free to use that. If “life partner” feels more authentic, use that instead. The important thing is to make sure you’re both OK with the language you use that defines and explains your connection.

Discussing expectations and commitment

Effective communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. As you navigate any type of partnership—romantic, platonic, or queerplatonic—having frank conversations and defining healthy expectations will strengthen your bond.  

For relationships to thrive, being on the same page is critical. Talk about things like what does exclusivity mean to each of you? Is this a priority? Are you emotionally available to one another? Do you want to live together? What are your long-term goals and dreams for a future together? 

Managing external assumptions and pressures

It can be confusing and painful to feel misunderstood, especially when it comes to your relationship. It’s hard to have friends, family, or society barrage you with questions like: Are you dating?, Are you together?, or When will you finally settle down?

One way to overcome these challenges (and protect your emotional and mental well-being along the way) is to have a plan for how you respond. You might even decide ahead of time not to engage at all. Knowing that your relationship is valid and not feeling the need to explain that to others can be empowering. 

If you do decide to respond, the following tips will help keep conversations productive, safe, and on track:

• Use clear and straightforward language
• Set friend and family boundaries
• Only open up when you’re comfortable sharing
• Redirect the conversation when needed
• Affirm your commitment to and the value of your queerplatonic relationship

“Intentional communication can help affirm the legitimacy of any relationship and protect the emotional health of those involved by “being authentic.” When our words are a vibrational match to our emotions, we are being authentic or our true self. When we set an intention around communicating in this way regarding our relationships, we score a win, and we give ourselves permission to grow together. Authentic communication is a sign of internal growth.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Supporting Queerplatonic Relationships Within Your Community

Recognition, support, and affirmation matter. When family, friends, and therapists support and acknowledge your QPR without judgment or assumptions, it helps you feel valued and seen in your relationships. 

There are many ways to support the LGBTQIA+ community and QPRs, including:

• Respect and use preferred language and labels
• Honor boundaries
• Follow through on commitments
• Value the partnership, even if it’s not ‘traditional’
• Be inclusive and include QPR partners in family celebrations, gatherings, and other life events
• Celebrate milestones and rituals
• Get educated about diversity in relationships
• Listen without judgment
• Show up and be present

Online and face-to-face community spaces play a vital role in honoring QPR bonds. It’s important to seek out groups that normalize, celebrate, and recognize relationship diversity. This can go a long way in reducing stigma and offering a sense of belonging.

Moving Forward: Honoring the Validity of Nontraditional Bonds

If you feel like your most important relationship doesn’t fit neatly into a box, you’re not alone. Remember that queerplatonic relationships are just as real and valuable as romantic or familial ones. Honor your bonds and recognize that love, commitment, and support can show up in countless ways in your life. 

Reflect on relationships that defy traditional categories but still provide deep and meaningful support. If you need guidance on how to navigate a nontraditional connection, or you want to explore identity-affirming relationships or understand labels, consider the benefits of couples therapy or individual counseling. Talkspace offers online couples therapy to help you navigate a queerplatonic relationship together.

If you’re ready to define a connection on your own terms but need tailored guidance and relationship advice, connect with an online Talkspace therapist today to find the support you need.