How to Cope with Feeling Like the Token Friend

Maybe you’ve felt it in your circle of friends. That subtle discomfort or nagging sense that you’re not an equal in the group. Are you just a representative of your race, gender, sexuality, disability, or neurotype? Feeling like a token friend is painful. It’s also probably a lot more common than you might think, especially for members of BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, disabled, and neurodiverse communities, where backgrounds are unique. 

You’re not overreacting or being dramatic. It can be confusing to realize that tokenism is at play. Tokenism refers to the value being placed on your identity rather than who you are as a person or friend. You might start feeling the effects of it in the form of exhaustion, people-pleasing to avoid rocking the boat, or feeling invisible. Even when you’re right there in the middle of everything, it can be devastating to realize you’re a token black friend, queer friend, or minority friend in your circle.

Being the token friend is draining and can make you feel you’re always on guard. To deal with it, though, you don’t have to cut everyone off. Continue reading to discover how to navigate tokenism while cultivating the genuine connections you deserve and are seeking. 

Signs You Might (Unintentionally) Be the Token Friend

You likely already suspect something’s off in your friend circle, but may not be able to put your finger on what it is. Sometimes the signs are subtle, but other times they’re impossible to ignore.

Your identity is spotlighted more than your personality

Have you noticed that conversations often circle back to your background? Are you the go-to for questions about culture, religion, or community? If you’d rather talk about your favorite shows or weekend plans, but instead you’re always on the spot, it can feel like your identity is constantly on display.

You’re rarely given space to be complex or messy

When you’re being treated as a token person, it feels like you have to be “on” all the time. Even if it’s not spoken, your friends expect you to be polished, agreeable, and not get emotional. You may try to hide parts of yourself or downplay struggles, just so you don’t make things uncomfortable for others in the group. The pressure to be the “model minority” or the “perfect example” can make it challenging to be your authentic self in a relationship.

Your cultural background is treated as a novelty

It hurts to hear phrases that are meant to be friendly but end up making you feel more like a mascot than a friend. Maybe you’ve listened to comments from your white friends like “you’re basically one of us!“ or “teach us how to say that in your language.” 

If your traditions, food, holidays, or language are treated more like quirky add-ons than meaningful parts of your life and culture, it can be isolating. It’s hurtful to feel like your friends view your culture as entertainment rather than something they truly respect.

You’re expected to speak for your entire group

Being asked to explain what “people like you think” or to weigh in on news or information about your community is exhausting. You don’t want to be the spokesperson for your entire identity group, but often, the burden is put on you. Not only is it unfair, but it can make you feel like you’re only valued in the group when it’s convenient for everyone else.

“It can be emotionally draining when you’re constantly placed in the role of educator within your friendships. It’s important to set boundaries and prioritize relationships where mutual respect, curiosity, and emotional labor are more evenly distributed.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

How Tokenism Can Impact Mental Health

Tokenism is a form of discrimination that can occur in virtually any setting, from schools to social settings to workplaces. Being treated as a token person is more than just uncomfortable. It takes a toll on your mental health and well-being. In studies, tokenism was found to cause anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, grief, trauma, and more. It leads to feelings of isolation, invalidation, and impostor syndrome. 

It’s understandable if you question whether you truly belong in your group if you feel like a token friend. The pressure to “represent” your community perfectly quickly becomes overwhelming. You might feel like any mistake you make will reflect poorly on everyone who shares your identity. 

Code-switching, a term that describes constantly altering your appearance, language, or behavior in an attempt to fit in, is exhausting. Being in a token role might cause you to develop a pattern of self-doubt. If your every achievement is dismissed as a diversity win, or your contributions are overlooked, it can be easy to start feeling undervalued or to question your own sense of worth.

How to Cope and Set Boundaries

Being treated as the token friend can weigh you down, but you deserve friendships where you can be your authentic self. Fortunately, there are ways to reclaim your space and protect your peace in all your relationships.

“Start setting boundaries by communicating your limits clearly and calmly. Focus on what you need rather than what others are doing wrong. Small consistent actions like limiting certain topics or taking space when needed can protect your peace without requiring drastic measures.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

Validate your feelings—this is real and painful

You may wonder if you’re overreacting or just making things up. However, tokenism is a real phenomenon, and it hurts. It’s OK to acknowledge the pain and confusion you’re experiencing. These emotions are a sign that something’s not right, not a flaw in your character.

Reflect on the friendship dynamic

Take time to really reflect on your friendships. Are you valued for who you are or what you represent? Do you feel safe expressing your true feelings to your friends? 

Find someone trustworthy to talk to, whether it’s a trusted best friend or someone outside of your social circle. Reflecting on the dynamics of your friendships is a good start. Sometimes, simply naming the experience is the first step toward making real, positive change. It might even give you the confidence to talk to your friends about what you’re feeling.

Communicate your concerns (when safe to do so)

If you feel safe, discuss your concerns with your friends. It can be as simple as letting them know, “I realized I’m often asked to explain things about my background. It feels like I’m not seen beyond that in this group.” Having these tough but honest conversations might be uncomfortable, but they can open the door to finding growth and deepening your connections with friends.

Diversify your social circle

If your friend group is primarily made up of people from the same background, it’s OK for you to seek out new connections. You don’t have to abandon your current friends, but widening your circle to include others, especially those who share your experiences, can be incredibly validating if you’re struggling with being the token friend.

Limit emotional labor where possible

Constantly having to educate everyone in your group is emotionally draining. Give yourself permission to step back when you need to. You don’t have to participate in every conversation if it’s exhausting or performative. It’s OK to protect your energy—it’s actually an important step in any self-care routine. You have the right to set friendship boundaries regarding what you’re willing to share or discuss in your friend group.

Reach out for support

Connecting with people who understand what it means to be treated like a token friend can be a lifeline. Try to find a support group, a trusted mentor, or even a therapist. You don’t have to carry this burden alone, and asking for help is a sign of strength that you can be proud of.

Finding Community and Support That Sees You Fully

Healing from tokenism means finding a space and circle where you feel valued as a whole person. Join cultural organizations, disability advocacy groups, queer spaces, or online communities that are built around shared experiences you can relate to. Remember, a real community doesn’t have to solely rely on shared identities. What you’re seeking is mutual care, respect, understanding, and value in a relationship.

Therapy can be a powerful tool for processing what you’ve experienced with tokenism. It can also help you build resilience and learn to set boundaries so you can protect yourself in the future.

You Deserve Real Connection

Realizing that you no longer want to be treated like the token friend doesn’t mean you’re overly sensitive or that you thrive on drama. It means you’re intuitive and self-aware enough to do what’s best for you and your mental well-being. The discomfort you recognized is a sign that you’re no longer willing to be part of a token friendship. You want to be seen and respected for who you are, and who you are is enough. 

You deserve to have real friendships that honor your identity, not ones that exploit and use you. If you’re struggling to process tokenism or you want to move on from friends who are bad for your mental health and seek deeper connections, consider talking to a culturally sensitive therapist at Talkspace.

Talkspace offers online therapy that can be your first step toward finding the relationships you crave in life. Reach out to start online therapy today.

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